Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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