does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
