Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
