Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
