just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
