i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
