Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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