I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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