I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
