Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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