my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
