Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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