someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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