My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
