Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
