even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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