Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
