you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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