I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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