My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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