I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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