I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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