Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
