All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
