since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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