he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
