Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
