Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
