god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
