Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
