Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
