I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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