just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
