he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
