We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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