at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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