My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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