What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
