If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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