She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
