I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
