I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
