when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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