there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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