i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How's work?
Spinning.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Randomize
