My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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