can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
