Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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