I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Someone shit on the floor
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so let's talk penis.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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