She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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